Broadway’s dark tonight

I’ve learnt tonight again what i always knew, that being that all guys are meant to be outwardly strong and with minimal signs of weakness. i.e. i think its socially accepted that guys are not meant to whine, sulk or cry excessively, and when they do it is both annoying and weak.
Which i suppose is a fine social construct in so far as it having been in working established condition for the past 2 millenia, i guess you can’t have both sexes getting this privilage or the world would basically just be a psychiatric half way house for the unhappy and disgruntled. So whenever a friend comes along, male or female, and is willing to take all the crap that you could throw, a guy really does appreciate the effort and patience and time spent.

In any case, slight relief shall come for me here.
Since i set out this blog as a whinning emo blog, and since no one seems to be able to bear my crap anymore.
This blog here shall see a lot more of my rants,
and it might just make me more coherent in day to day life.

So here comes the obvious rant.
Bryan really dislikes the army and its inefficiency, and how luck seems to largely give him a miss.
Such as how i had to wait a 2 full hours for an appointment that was scheduled at 145 and ended up being at 345pm instead…and my stupid friend was so worried we’d be late he paid for a 60cent (plus starting fare) cab ride down.
Luck, it seems has a decent sense of humor in playing the indignance card with me. Everyone knows the indignance felt when they’re the obvious next number to be called at the doctors, but fate fucks with you ( your number’s 24 and they call 23 then incredibly 25 next) and makes you wait 2 hours to see what “has to be your next number” become someone else’s number. When that someone else happens to have arrived an hour after you, it isn’t funny. It also isn’t funny when while that is happening, the sky outside gets increasingly gloomy. The climax to fate’s act i suppose is when it decides to start pouring when you step out of the doctor’s preparing for a long walk back to camp, only to now find that that long walk has ben complicated, oh only a little, by a tropical thunderstorm.
So yes its been a long day.
What with tuition suddenly popping up.
I feel a little bit sick…but that seems to really annoy people…cause it seems like i voluntarily throw myself into these thunderstorms and allergens because it feels great to get MCs and the like…and pretty very tired.
In about 8 hours i’ll be on a floorboard in a dusty storeroom catching up on sleep, its called jeepers creepers, yes it has a name! and then maybe try to get some work done, and some headway on my smu application.
This has actually been very therapeutic. It feels like a million facebook status updates compiled into one.

Mood: Sad =( Music: Goo Goo Dolls Broadway/Accoustic No.3

haha.

moo):

you know,
how there are those days that go okay for one half and terrible the next?
i hate them

who makes people go back to work when they’re eyes are almost swollen shut.

so this is christmas.

find yourself this christmas.

for its only a few more days before the new year.
few more days to enjoy the pains of teenagehood,
and move on to a place where life is serious, boring but at the same time filled with so many more adventures.

i flipped through an old photo album today.
-whatever happened to the lovely simple technologies of the printed roll of camera film-
christmas it seems is really a time for family, and friends and future families.
albeit my faint cynicsm that holidays are mere schemes.
i miss the days where my big ol christmas tree was filled with apples.
where mum had such a fun time putting it up.

life has infected us.

christmas should be about the time spent with your family members where after a whole year apart you finally sit down in front of an ol christmas tree and have some bonding time.

meanwhile 20hood is looming.

oh let me enjoy my last christmas as a teenager.
hark!

Sunday

Theres just something so sad about the setting sun on a sunday evening.

Cheap Thrills

Wonders if anyone will remember,

the days we stayed for so long in the parliment room prepping and playing soccer.
the day we beat ACS I to a full house.
the day we lost to NYGH
the time we won our third straight prelimnary

will the times when we trained so late we had to climb over the gate
the time when daryl and i created the new version to tribal dance.
when teck wee(or was it me hm) said that cheryl was looking at a ghost in the far end of the room.
when we beat Rj.
when we had no case 15 minutes to the debate.
when we lost to acs i.

again the late training sessions
being chased around by yew hwee.
having people suspended for the most random reasons.
the time when we sneaked 2 whole tubs of ice cream into GV to watch street kings…and when ben tay walked straight up to a malay stall (endless irony) and stole a couple of their utensils so we could consume these 2 tubs.
the time when we came in second at SRC, and harng yi was unstoppable at 2nd. (well in a figure of speech)
when leo(it was him right lol) pitched a perfect game at tp. and ben tay looked so nervous in catching the final out.
the times when we gave away the lead. twice.
the dropped ball and the foolish play.
the fun time we had at the 3rd 4th placing, since it really didn’t matter.
and now all the mahjong sessions we have, not to mention cage time.

the random class outings
the jokes
the laughter
the cliques
the girlfriends and boyfriends.
the forsaken lectures
the bowl of hot noodley soup on a cold rainy day.
mr wong or ixer or sayers or teo or harris at the stone tables being eccentric and funny.
A levels.
emo trips to 7 eleven with xiang.
sleeping endlessly with jon
self made fantasies of pitching glory, and the many hours in between lessons jon nick and i spent practicing.
pe lessons. wow that was a long time ago.
post prom
anti prom post prom
clubbing
the many send offs
dinners
and general conversations over a cuppa
and of course
the countless failed attempts at other events that would fill a library.

out of the system
and putting a smile on my face.

money honey

if i had more money honey would you love me, love me, if i wasn’t just somebody like me?

i’ve made mistakes that i can’t erase,
i’ve made mistakes.

theresgottabemoretolife

bar the cliche title, and that i just remembered its the url for val’s old blog.

before the inspiration runs out, there are a few things i want to blog about in relation to the above. the first of which is the utter wastefulness that is army.

now i know there are blog/conversationsoverlunch/randomoutings full worth of rants against the saf, but what i now find its utter wastefulness appalling (forgive the spelling). teck wee commented that my fellow male peeps (namely darren and daryl) are gainfuly employed by the saf. true ( or in dan’s words true dat!).but i do not doubt that like me, every day is a struggle to get one step closer to the weekend with every second that ticks away adding to the cynicsm that we have towards the army…daryl would easily give you a minithesis worth of reasons why ns is a waste of time, but don’t get him started. my point being. that there was a time when life meant so much more. where everyday we’d hate school, but go to school because of our friends and the prospect of learning and scoring and being driven towards the inevitible (A/O levels). now that all that is suddenly gone. there isn’t anything to bode us through the week but the weekend, and that just feels so incredibly wastefulwhen one considers that i’m about to do the same thing for the next, what 100 more weeks, where the agenda every day is to hope and pray to more closer to the weekend. i say we lengthen the weekend by a day or two to make the anticipation worth it. but i digress. again i suppose what i want to say is that NS is a complete waste of time, and the proof can be seen in every sane minded (to become insane) NSF and regular out there in their yearning for no greater purpose then the weekend. the argument is simple and emotional because i’ll let my very much more intellectual friends argue to nit and grit for me

next, i want to rant about icy tower. thats again, destroying and draining my life, but i can’t seem to get away from it. my eyesight is dying. thanks to my wretched psp, and long exposure to variouscomputer screens. but i can’t seem to get enough of icy tower because i can’t seem to reach the same levels of glory i did in the past when i hid in the debate room and played for hours…and i completed the game. HA! i used to own at it. clearly age takes away alot of fond ablities.

lastly, the lastest sales gimmick and absolute epitomy of the sinister and devious deceptive decrepid(am i even using the right word) example of capitalism…mcdonalds new monopoly ploy. i admit. i’m a sucker and had 3 mc donald meals in a row. i maintain i did not go out of my way to have them. but i am perhaps now more enlightened though no less in the hope of winning a prize.

by my very basic understanding of logic and problalities. everyone in singapore who eats macs and has a singaporean enough brain to peep at the tabs they give youis now waiting for the properties shenton way, scotts road, orchard road, joo chiat road, toa payoh, thompson road, tanjong rhu and of course…sentosa cove. you know what. they should have just printed duds and the above mentioned cards and not deceive people into thinking that it was that easy to win. well too bad mr mac donalds corp. i have uncovered your devious ploy and am now on my not so famous blog telling everyone about it, because it is a highly deceptive thing to do and morally wrong, for lack of a better phrase, and you should not be deceviing people into wasting so much money on a product that has false gurantees and is fundamentally bad for your health.

so please, if you happen to have an extra value meal and get the above mentioned tabs, give them to me! and we can work out a way to share the prizes.

=)

dance, dance

So, better times. -from the last entry-
3 days MC and some time to myself,the tuition kid and yici (:
excellent.

does it occur to anyone that people have like a blogging language that is so different, and bizzare, from the way they actually talk. /hm.

lastly.
bryan is getting a strong urge to dance.
after, what was a disappointing night at play.
where can you get nice music, space and free time for your friends to go groove out with you.
coughs

“She walked out of my life

and never looked back”.

its weird that here, smack in the middle of being a 6 month soldier i’m feeling quite, well very, stressed out. its an odd and curious feeling because army boys aren’t supposed to have to need to feel stressed, especially people in my position, but i do.

so, cue sigh, cue tuition, cue army, cue relationship difficulties. and here i am.

i’m going to be candid.
today, i feel like i’ve had to be an incredibly patient entity. which is just about stressing the shitness out of me.
i worked my way into trouble with yici
such that i’m pretty much effectively banished to the realms of singlehood, quite in the manner of how a man would be banished from the bed to the sofa by his wife. then i had the luxury, and honor because they’ve really got to care enough to not care about you, of being abandoned by my wonderful store mates who decided to leave a whole 2 hours before i did without getting any punishment because i wonderfully decided that it just wasn’t worth ratting on them. so then tuition comes along and to put a cherry on my wonderful day my tuition kid decides to be an utter prick in a way you’d expect any little cheeky sec 1 kid to be, which means he was being normal and immature, and incredibly i excersied the patience to have a nice 45min pep talk with him. which by the way i do not feel the least bit guilty of having earned 20 bucks in the proccess, it should have been more.

so
now i’m a bit bummed.
i’m, lonely, stressed, and well, not quite in a good mood but yet i want to talk to someone, but theres just about a wall worth of people to talk to.

goodnight, i love you.

Lull

“It’s only been a while since I last tried to blog but it’s been a long long while since I actually blogged. ” – Edmund

Ok so he’s not famous or whatever, yet i suppose is a fair qualifier, but the posts of my friends have often inspired me to blog, or try to. It has been a long time since i’ve said anything useful on this blog. Useful in the way of self reflection less so that it makes for good reading.

There’s a certain sort of lull in my life now. Its said that army changes people. Maybe i’m still waiting it to happen, but perhaps whats certain is that there’s a lot more time to think, think and regret and perhaps, hopefuly, learn.

I’ve always looked on to my JC years in woeful mourning that i did not make much more out of it. The attitudes i took into it were horrendous to say the least. Lacksadasical, overconfident, immature, and i’ve duely paid the price for it, though i must say my results were lucked out. Whats annoying, and perhaps terrifying, is that its continuing even now in army. Perhaps its my misfortune for having the skin condition that i have. Perhaps i should have done more in dealing with it, coping with it, living with it and engange in the type of lifestyles my otherwise able bodied male friends are facing in their army life. Their stories sound so much more interesting than mine, and its not like i have a physical disposition that completely bars me from ‘chionging’, i just think sometimes it would be nice.

Army, objectively has not been kind. Ever since BMT ended, i think i’ve got the worse end of any deal i could possibly hope for. Perhaps my expectations of a slack life behind a computer in an aircon room with other jc kids was set abit too high. But i suppose thats the way life deals.

BMT was, well not exactly an eye opener, but a new experience nontheless. Interacting with people who regard ‘JC’ kids as a whole new breed of people who are traditionally book smart and well off (mind you well off meaning without a need to struggle through life). they’re nice enough to reserve further judgement, but i suppose thats the way they are. Its not like i’ve never had a chance to interact with these people, i’ve had many friends who’ve gone along their paths, but it was nontheless still a rough experience because i found it hard to connect with them. There was always an element of superiority. I am disgusted with myself for this, but i indulged in it then because i thought i deserved a better place than pegasus coy and hence a better posting.

Perhaps its God’s way of kicking me in the butt to say “hey i’m trying to teach you a lesson”, and posted me to pretty much similiar conditions. I’m unhappy that i’m in a position where i’m overworked and underpaid due to a severely fucked up rank structure. and regretting that i never tried to rough it out in a more combat fit pes and maybe ord earlier.

the point of saying all this?
regret i suppose is whats come out of my experience in ns so far.
This year has been wasteful.
Evidently i learnt nothing from my A levels.
The one vital lesson, was that i should have taken my future, my university future, with far greater importance than i did.
I always rested behind the aegis of National Service, and it became a lie and a convenient excuse.
Brought into this year, i took my university apps way too lightly.
Perhaps i’m more aware of what i want to do with law now.

on a side note, i think i’ve finally begun stepping out of the shell of introvertedness i’ve been in over the past year and a half or so. slowly. hopefully. =\

anyway, having spoken to my relatives i think i’m more aware of what i want to do with law. again reflecting on how immature i took things the first time round, i hope i don’t waste the chance again.

alas the ending,
its so hard to blog an ending.
endings will always bring me back to my lit essays for harris.
where i resorted to simply ending abruptly because i couldn’t think up a smart enough ending that didn’t sound utterly pretencious or formulaic.
but i think endings are important.