no title

very irritable and emotional these days.
lost law
lost interest
don’t know what to do with my life.

a little late i know.
but Rest in Peace Michael Jackson.

to me, if not everyone, the irreplacable king of pop.
no other artist has captivated me as much as he did
from the age of 4 listening to billie jeans
to the tears cried over heal the world and what about us
and the music like jam bad and beat it that is simply if not purely energising to the soul.
there will be no one like him
not in a lifetime.

i found you

thank you to al and joel.
they say people drift
but for these two who have been with me for almost all my life (figuratively and literally)
thank you

not good.

my heads whirly
may be from the mocha
or might be from the now very infectious h1n1…though i cannot imagine who i’ve been in contact with to have been spread the virus.

i know my blog has been reflecting nothing more than my abject depression to army.

love.
tonight it shall be mildly different
for this week
i am on course
and i get to stay out
and i ahve to wake up at fucking 530 tomorrow so that i won’t be late.

in other news.
transformers is not all that bad.
if you put aside the very very very thin plot and the very chessy amateur drama class conceptualisations…because it is after all supposed to primarily be a brainless testosterone bath…its quite a nice show
i mean
megan fox
+
-spoilet warning-
a very very nicely pimped out optimus prime
=
pretty decent guy show.
(oh the transformer fight scenes aren’t all that bad either -gooo bumblebeeee-)

finally
my life isn’t back on track.
i am still depressed.
i’m likely (very) to get rejected by law in the next few days
and i’m also very unlikely (Very) to get posted to a new vocation.
the bright side is perhaps that i’m back on relatively good terms with yici. i know i should starve off all the things these past 2 years have put on me. i want to start anew and be independent again. but i’m sure as hell thankful to have her by my side. however misguided a relationship this may seem to be, her love and care for me really has been something i can rely on getting no matter how fucked up my day/week has been, though being the emo nemo that i am, also has been a severe distraction, a fault which i’m trying hard to work on. never on this blog has this ever been mentioned, but i am very thankful and in love with her who has silently (well not soooo silently these last 2 days) took my shit.

5 hours more till i have to wake up.
not good.

twisting

for love, it seemed, had gone too far.
their screams and cries like sirens on the wind
tomorrow would never come,
the torture will never end,
its wrath and toll claimed their souls
and mercy was close but still a lifetime away
how do they keep smiling, amidst their woe.

-edit-
in other words.
i’m locked up in my specially designed hell for another 2 years.
no letters will get me out.
i’m dead.

just keep telling yourself…

that it’ll be okay.
camp…really isn’t that bad i suppsoe
hey, i’m out here on a weekday at 850pm
except, i’ve got to be back before 12…
i’m letting the incredulity set it
how i’ve been fucked over by the army
how i’ve been fucked over by life
how i’ve been fucked over by a lot of things

it really isn’t that bad i suppose.
its really slack
promises to be really really siao busy
and honestly, the people seem really nice.
i suppose that changes when you start living with them and shit
but at least on the first impression
they’re really very nice people
and its making these first few very lonely and miserable days that much better.
if only i could warm up to them faster
if only i could warm up.

oddly enough
with nothing to look forward to when i get out of camp
save the precious luxuries of home
camp really seems the nicest warmest (depressingly sad considering how cold and lonely it already is) place around.
i hope it does once i get to know this really queerly funny group of people where i seem to be a dire misfit.

today i was supposed to be out with my girlfriend

it kind of sucks that she couldn’t make it
and i really was kinda looking forward to going out with her
little by little she’s become my only solace
and now she’s gone
and i’m staying in.
perhaps i really am meant to be alone.

if theres one ethos that i will gain from these early very depressing very sad and lonely days in the middle of a fucking garage with my dreams of a desk job blown to bits under a fucking 5 tonner, it will be that i’m probably meant to do things alone. i’ve gotten through some of the worst shit life could throw at me (note this is in relation to my dispostion) and survived on my own. its lonely as hell, but hey at least my life was a slow struggle where i secretly enjoyed my success -insert image of a little child squatting in the snow, face alit with the joy from the warmth of a candlelight-

its early days yet
but army is really really teaching me to enjoy myself as a civilian
to appreciate that we truly are all alone in this world
because eventually people will have their own appointmnets that are always gonna be more important then you.
once in a while i suppose life throws a spanner in your face to show you that you, in ‘its’ eyes, and the eyes of everyone else close to you or not, are insignificant, unimportant and expandable.

i will survive
i am insignificant to you
but i will survive.

alone again, naturally

i think.i’m being punished early for my sins.
i’ve hit a really bad string of bad luck.
now topped off by an incredibly fucked up posting
where for the next one and a half years
my life will be…in an army camp.

and then…
i think life wants me to learn to take this on my own.
to grow up
stop relying on others.
cause at the end of the day
they’ll all have their own errands to run, more important events to attend too, and basically be in a situation that sucks much less then yours.

so…
balls to you
i can do this on my own!

and then again
famous last words

misses studying

because there really isn’t much else to do

a real post

i understand how much i use this blog
and how incredibly little i use it.

the past few weeks have been weird.
yici says its army,
i find it depressing but perhaps not entirely unexpected.

i refer to my increasing withdrawal from the world
incapability to talk to many of the people whom i’ve loved talking to
incapability to socialise
and a general increase in my predominant jadedness, which of course could likely be the reason to everything else.

my apologies to everyone whom i’ve given a sub par effort in caring to talk
i can’t understand it,
it just isn’t something instinctive anymore
and it depresses me because there was a time when socialising seemed like such an easy thing to do
getting to know new people and stuff.

it makes me wish that i could just wake up one day
in a new place in a new time with no memory no inhibition
just a chance to start afresh on a new challenge that hasn’t already made me bored with life

i’m also sick with a law interview which i’m bound to fuck up coming in 5 days.

pick and roll

with a story to tell

7 weeks
and its over.

still fighting

rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhauhruhauhrwljlishahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
=(