2010-2011

it feels very underwhelming.
I feel very underwhelming, boring and a lot out of sorts.

2010, was forgotten in all honesty. I will not, very unfortunately, remember it for anything other then the year i spent a whole year in national service. A lot of good stuff happened though. Law school happened, my first planned overseas trip, my first year in a relationship(going on 2 (: ), passing driving, but for the most part, its forgotten in the drone that is the army. For those who don’t like army posts, feel free to zone out now.

I think the biggest reason for why i’m as down as i am now is the way it ended, and how 2011 has begun. I’ve spent the last few days very socially awkward, and i can’t explain it. I realize i have a few social circles, some that are fading more then others, but within these, there isn’t one that i’m closet too. I hung out with the Sec4 classmates over new years, playing the game that consumed so much of my teenage life, as it slipped away for the very last time. But it was not as wild as i thought the new years would be. I am not wild as i would like myself to be, i am not as happy, as interested and as sociable as i would like myself to be. I think to say that it is something to be worked on in 2011 would be an understatement, but i have a suspicion that these things are not the kinds of things that improve if they were worked on.

Sometimes i wonder what people think of me, but i stop short, when i figure out that i wouldn’t like to hear what i think of myself.

So there are a number of things to work on anyways.

The very first of which is to go through another kind of soul search. One that would mirror the one i took to discover my passion to studying law. This time, i guess its really to find out who i really want to be. Hanging out with Cheryl/Tristan made me long for the clubish crazy lifestyle that was open as an option to me, but one that i’ve always been too afraid to explore. Too many excuses in that respect. Too many excuses to Andre, to everyone else but mostly to myself. Its really very trivial i guess, but i think i have to finally wrap my head around what i want with this and stop living in a dream of playlists and wannabe hip hop dancing.

The next thing is to become significantly more responsible, towards my responsibilities, and my money. Here i say a big sorry to those who have been irked by me in one way or another because i did not call/sms/inform you, didn’t plan something in time, was to lackadaisical about my organisation and basically to ‘nua’ to execute something, Jastine being the latest victim. Coaching VJ this year will be a huge responsibility, one that i’m barely passing now. I’ve not acted my age, and its certainly time to start moving away from the, oh its so cool not to study phase, for the record, it is and it is very very important.

Sigh, resolutions.

Also, I’ve fallen into a trend. With the advent of…well…facebook, i have been seduced into the whole, ‘raking for attention’ trend. The old, quiet on facebook Bryan had gone out the window after the first few likes and comments, so for the most part, i would like to be a lot more withdrawn. I will not be a slave to a social website. It is very irking enough to see posts that go “this is awesome(posts video)” or “i hate angry/cowardly/funny/smelly/irritating people” oh and very juvenile events(seriously, do these people know what events mean) like “i like it in my …” and “Operation/Cause:whateverijustwanttolooklikei’mdoingsomethingotherthenstudying” without having to think that i’m one of these people as well.

Sigh.

On a slightly brighter note, ord is coming. This morning i thought to myself, that there was a lot of comfort in knowing that nothing could stop its approach. It has and will be long, but as i pulled on my boots again, i knew that nothing, short of an asteroid apocalypse, could stop the seconds from ticking me closer to the end. There is nothing good, or fun about wasting 2 years of your life. You learn a lot out of it, and to those of you who leave ord posts about oh how great it was well, really, fuck off, because it is clearly not anything any of us would do again in a heartbeat, and if it is, then you my friend have been very very lucky.

So anyway, thats it for now my very old blog. I think at 21 i’m finally able to admit that i do blog, it has been too cathartic for me at times.

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