I feel like i could give you a hug.
I don’t know what you’re going through.
But I couldn’t agree more with these two lines.

http://www.bbc.com/travel/feature/20110722-the-six-best-cities-to-get-lost-in

with a truck load of money

Suddenly the world seems like such a lonely place all over again.

Day 8
6 days to the end of confinement. Its just about all that matters. impressively the week has gone by incredibly, well yeah, slowly. There is no more concept of time. Days past beyond a point of recognition. Sleeping makes time past faster. I write this in a stupid basketball court with my ‘wife’ resting on my right shoulder as i rest my head on its scope hoping for sleep, the blue guide book thats waiting to be revised goes un-noticed. few things change. i’d rather someone else be with me, she’ll probably never understand, instead i’m surrounded by guys in a 4km radius in every direction. sleep. many more days of sleep left, and many more days of incoherency.

(its interesting, i don’t think i did it intentionally, but in line with the stuff i’m saying, i stopped writing the date as well)
Day 10
The highlight, yesterday, oddly on a very isolated island was shopping. something is going on, we’re getting just a bit too much of our own time and the commanders have increasingly been temperamental and short fused. Almost 15minutes looking at the mainland and watching my symbols of freedom [aeroplanes](omg lol) fly into changi, which is incredibly close [just across the strait], is quite a maybe heartening sight. Against the very emo backdrop, liberation is at 1645 hours on the 8th of May. It really can’t come faster. She left me a very, how to say, enticing message. I can’t wait to feel human warmth again, and in typical ‘Bryan’ fashion, I can’t wait to have nice only completely junk food.

Day 11
I suppose i really miss her. Even though as before she seldom fills the void inside me that demands attention, wants to be loved. Perhaps thats a bit too harsh. she really has been good to me, but i’m just really selfish emotional and spoilt thats why, and perhaps a little, maybe a lot more scarred than i thought i was weak, Bryan, weak, too much emotion. I wish i could expose myself to the full panorama of emotions i could feel before

Day 12
I want you to know you belong in my life, i love the hope, i see in your eyes – A1

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing -Aerosmith

140509
A BORING DAY
Hansen is writing on the opposite page. He’s mad

Day 3 26/4/09

(this is really what it looks like. a date with no entry)

Day 4 27/4/09
Everything takes forever here, which is ironic to say the least. Its like gravity being exercised on time. 2 weeks that have never seemed any longer then it does now. Beyond the hours and minutes that confine these 2 weeks. (WHAT AM I SAYING?!) The reasons and purposes that were marginal to begin with are even more diminished. In the coming weeks the machinery will decline, there is no need to use it, with time rust, with rust decline. In all the emptiness that encapsulates the experience, there is no depth to any understanding that is employed. The days are not days anymore, days are merely minutes governed by a piece of metal attached to a long string of rubber.

Day 5 29/04/09
The truth is that the island probably is really beautiful. If it wasn’t for the horror of regimentation that caused me to realise it and forced this writing in the dark, it really is a nice beautiful place, few are the chances that are given to enjoy its beauty. You get all sorts here, and i’m not yet sure if I yet appreciate them, love is draining from my life. i miss yici more than i care to admit. secretly i’m just happy that i have someone to yearn for. It, really, i guess keeps me going

Day 6 29/4/09
-at least i’m getting more sleep than i usually do…at least
–drawn picture of what i imagine the phrase “tip of the iceberg” would be–

there probably are some positives, the food really isn’t that bad. For the most part. The best thing really suppose is that its free along with the loads of things that are open if i ever walk through those doors and i suppose some really interesting first aid stuff. writing really kills the time. its boring but hey its no more than doing more 4 page essays which on an island far away seems more like a far away dream than the chore it was before. I can’t really decide what to do when i finally do get to book out. it seems and endless times from now. endless. army i suppose is a patience exercising, calming stoning and thoroughly fattening experience. Give me an instruction manual, throw in the total monetary incentive and i’ll probably be more of a regimented soldier than i am now. its easy to see how daryl quickly lost his illusions on the army, yes, it is the camp i’ve been waiting for, but it certainly isn’t the experience of a lifetime, nor is it the life changing experience , kind of the same thing i realise. but it is as well lame and fucked up.

more to come.

Its 2.07am i should be asleep with my hacking cough and almost non-existent voice.
just read xiangs little entry from dubai.
i guess, given that i haven’t really been anywhere really far, i really wonder how it would feel like to be in a totally foreign land on my own, for hours upon hours on end.
wonder if i will ever lead the life of having to jet to different meetings across the world and sit in airport lounges waiting for connecting flights.
wonder what i would do in that time =\
i kill time by listening to my ipod now, which i’m quite proud to say is working towards its first thousand songs (quite an achievement given that i refuse to download by the album)
but yeah, drinking coffee from starbucks outlets across the world, hoboing in various corners of the airport.

another random thought,

i guess with all the coaching i’ve been doing recently.
i actually did get an insight into what it would be like to teach, and in some ways, the different experiences each batch provides me have been…well interesting in good and bad ways.
never had a passion to teach, so i guess its a good thing that i’ve at least one experience that would come close to it.

2010, was forgotten in all honesty. I will not, very unfortunately, remember it for anything other then the year i spent a whole year in national service. A lot of good stuff happened though. Law school happened, my first planned overseas trip, my first year in a relationship(going on 2 (: ), passing driving, but for the most part, its forgotten in the drone that is the army. For those who don’t like army posts, feel free to zone out now.

I think the biggest reason for why i’m as down as i am now is the way it ended, and how 2011 has begun. I’ve spent the last few days very socially awkward, and i can’t explain it. I realize i have a few social circles, some that are fading more then others, but within these, there isn’t one that i’m closet too. I hung out with the Sec4 classmates over new years, playing the game that consumed so much of my teenage life, as it slipped away for the very last time. But it was not as wild as i thought the new years would be. I am not wild as i would like myself to be, i am not as happy, as interested and as sociable as i would like myself to be. I think to say that it is something to be worked on in 2011 would be an understatement, but i have a suspicion that these things are not the kinds of things that improve if they were worked on.

Sometimes i wonder what people think of me, but i stop short, when i figure out that i wouldn’t like to hear what i think of myself.

So there are a number of things to work on anyways.

The very first of which is to go through another kind of soul search. One that would mirror the one i took to discover my passion to studying law. This time, i guess its really to find out who i really want to be. Hanging out with Cheryl/Tristan made me long for the clubish crazy lifestyle that was open as an option to me, but one that i’ve always been too afraid to explore. Too many excuses in that respect. Too many excuses to Andre, to everyone else but mostly to myself. Its really very trivial i guess, but i think i have to finally wrap my head around what i want with this and stop living in a dream of playlists and wannabe hip hop dancing.

The next thing is to become significantly more responsible, towards my responsibilities, and my money. Here i say a big sorry to those who have been irked by me in one way or another because i did not call/sms/inform you, didn’t plan something in time, was to lackadaisical about my organisation and basically to ‘nua’ to execute something, Jastine being the latest victim. Coaching VJ this year will be a huge responsibility, one that i’m barely passing now. I’ve not acted my age, and its certainly time to start moving away from the, oh its so cool not to study phase, for the record, it is and it is very very important.

Sigh, resolutions.

Also, I’ve fallen into a trend. With the advent of…well…facebook, i have been seduced into the whole, ‘raking for attention’ trend. The old, quiet on facebook Bryan had gone out the window after the first few likes and comments, so for the most part, i would like to be a lot more withdrawn. I will not be a slave to a social website. It is very irking enough to see posts that go “this is awesome(posts video)” or “i hate angry/cowardly/funny/smelly/irritating people” oh and very juvenile events(seriously, do these people know what events mean) like “i like it in my …” and “Operation/Cause:whateverijustwanttolooklikei’mdoingsomethingotherthenstudying” without having to think that i’m one of these people as well.

Sigh.

On a slightly brighter note, ord is coming. This morning i thought to myself, that there was a lot of comfort in knowing that nothing could stop its approach. It has and will be long, but as i pulled on my boots again, i knew that nothing, short of an asteroid apocalypse, could stop the seconds from ticking me closer to the end. There is nothing good, or fun about wasting 2 years of your life. You learn a lot out of it, and to those of you who leave ord posts about oh how great it was well, really, fuck off, because it is clearly not anything any of us would do again in a heartbeat, and if it is, then you my friend have been very very lucky.

So anyway, thats it for now my very old blog. I think at 21 i’m finally able to admit that i do blog, it has been too cathartic for me at times.

I think people should stop indulging in feeling sorry for themselves.

1) I say really stupid things, considering i’m a debater, and i’ve been debating for so long

2) I have a really bad temper =\

3) I really do enjoy getting cards from people